ASKING PUTS ME IN A HUMBLE POSITION, IF I AM HUMBLE, I AM TEACHABLE

One of the definitions for humility in the 12 Step program is "to be teachable."  In the beginning, I thought I was teachable.  I came in thinking, "Just show me what to do, I'll do it (and then I'll be able to leave)."  I had it in my mind I would be shown what diet would work for me because it was working for everyone else.  At the time, I wasn't aware my whole life would be changing!

The first bump in the road was when I had to admit I had a problem with food, not my weight.  This was a biggie for me.  I didn't want to admit this because there would have to be an admission on my part that there was something wrong with me.  I didn't want any part of this.  Instead, I wanted it to be all about the weight.

The next problem I became aware of was when it was suggested I get a sponsor.  With my not having one, I could do whatever I wanted with the food I was eating.  It was my intent to be able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not be accountable to anyone. In truth, it was still about a diet for me.  I didn't want anyone messing with my food.  All I wanted was to lose weight.  If I had a sponsor, I couldn't get away with it anymore.

Once I got a sponsor, which I did after six months, she wanted me to start calling her on a regular basis and at a specific time.  I balked.  I intentionally called her four minutes later than the designated time.  I told myself I didn't want to seem too eager.  In reality, I was testing her.  Those four minutes late got me in trouble.  When she spoke to me about it, my thoughts were:

"What is wrong with this person?" and
"I don't need this crap!"

I decided I didn't want this kind of (my perception) unyielding, inflexible sponsor, so decided to drop her and look for another.  At the time, I don't know if my motives were clear to me.  I said I was looking for my next sponsor but ultimately decided not to work with anyone.  (I was looking for an easier, softer way and it lasted for three months.)  What I told myself was "I don't need a sponsor."

Unfortunately, my disease took over.  I ate everything I wanted, blamed whatever went wrong on everyone else and ultimately gained more weight.  While I continued to go to meetings, I was miserable.

Eventually, it was the weight gain that made the decision for me.  I went back to the same person and asked her to sponsor me again.  I was willing to call  whenever she told me, on time, and do whatever she asked me to do.

Over the years, I've found this to be true with all of my sponsors.  If I sit in judgment, questioning or balking everything they ask or suggest, I don't learn anything.  On the other hand, if I open myself up to the gift of my Higher Power through their words, the things I seek; peace, joy, serenity, love, laughter, and friendship are all available to me.

Therefore, the secret is not to sit in judgment of the people I ask to be my sponsor.  On the contrary, it's to do as they ask because their words are my Higher Power in action.

"...but for me they had to make it tough; if they hadn't I don't think I ever would have stuck it out.

Once again, there was the challenge of a tough job, but this time I was determined to follow through."

A.A. Big Book, 3rd Ed. pg 248

As a child, I always hated being told what to do.  On the other hand, as I balked, it made me want to prove my self-worth.  My Higher Power knew what he was doing when he introduced me to my first sponsor.  When I first met her, she was in a wheel chair.  When asked, she said it was her God (Higher Power) that got her through everything.  She was the first miracle I saw in program.

Back then, she was part of a group we called "the Big Book thumpers."  I have a huge appreciation for that group and the affect it's had on me over the years.  The experience gave me a great respect for the A.A. Big Book and helped me to become the sponsor I am today.

Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey.  YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

IF YOU SPOT IT, YOU GOT IT

Every month I go to a business meeting where several 12 steppers are in attendance. One of the many reasons I'm there is because I have a responsibility to give a monthly report for the Intergroup newsletter I produce.

A few months back, as I rendered the report, I noticed someone making faces. My first thought was,

"She's making faces because of something I said."

I immediately felt shame. My second thought was,

"She doesn't like what I'm saying."

This thought led me immediately into my protect me mode and my next thought, which was,

"How dare she!"

Along with that came my next feeling - anger. It was then I opened my mouth and asked if she had a problem. (This was totally inappropriate. Unfortunately, I didn't recognize it until much later.)

This Story Is Not About Her, It's About Me

"To define the word harm...we might call it the result of instincts in collision,

which cause physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to people."

(A.A. 12&12, pg 80)

My instincts were definitely in collision, causing mental, emotional and spiritual damage to her and myself. (I know for me, it could have caused physical damage - ultimately I would have started eating if I had not done anything. I pray it didn't affect her this way.)

I left the meeting feeling angry and guilty. On the way home, I made several calls. I wanted to talk about what happened in the meeting and to discuss my actions. I was also looking for two things: affirmation and truth. My disease wanted affirmation and my recovered self wanted truth I know who I can call for each.

I Already Knew The Truth

Because of feeling guilty, I started immediately asking God for help during the rest of the meeting by praying silently. My gut, which is my God voice, had already given me the answer. I knew what I'd done was not OK because of those guilty feelings. Yet a loud voice, my disease, was justifying my actions and telling me I had every right to do what I did. I really wanted to believe the disease, because if I did, I wouldn't have to do anymore work; I wouldn't have to call the person and apologize. However, I couldn't sit with the truth and not do something.

I called a few more people. Luckily, I chose people in recovery and after talking, knew an amend was necessary. Even so, there was a little brat inside of me still fighting! I was still hesitant.

"...our enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong.

The temptation...is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't."

(A.A. 12&12, pg 94)

I talked to my sponsor and decided I needed to do a Statement of Struggle. (This is a specific form of 10-step. It has 12 questions, each applying to their corresponding step.)

A Change In Attitude

My attitude changed after I did the 10-step. I was able to recognize that the behavior I responded to in the meeting was really about my childhood. As I acknowledged this, any refusal to do the amend was gone and I was ready to apologize sincerely (without regrets). The experience validated (again) a saying we have in program, "When you have a problem with someone, It's not about them, it's about you." I am still amazed by what I learn, when I'm willing to do the work!

I hope you will continue to join me on this incredibly exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.