Every month I go to a business meeting where several 12 steppers are in attendance. One of the many reasons I'm there is because I have a responsibility to give a monthly report for the Intergroup newsletter I produce.
A few months back, as I rendered the report, I noticed someone making faces. My first thought was,
"She's making faces because of something I said."
I immediately felt shame. My second thought was,
"She doesn't like what I'm saying."
This thought led me immediately into my protect me mode and my next thought, which was,
"How dare she!"
Along with that came my next feeling - anger. It was then I opened my mouth and asked if she had a problem. (This was totally inappropriate. Unfortunately, I didn't recognize it until much later.)
This Story Is Not About Her, It's About Me
"To define the word harm...we might call it the result of instincts in collision,
which cause physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to people."
(A.A. 12&12, pg 80)
My instincts were definitely in collision, causing mental, emotional and spiritual damage to her and myself. (I know for me, it could have caused physical damage - ultimately I would have started eating if I had not done anything. I pray it didn't affect her this way.)
I left the meeting feeling angry and guilty. On the way home, I made several calls. I wanted to talk about what happened in the meeting and to discuss my actions. I was also looking for two things: affirmation and truth. My disease wanted affirmation and my recovered self wanted truth I know who I can call for each.
I Already Knew The Truth
Because of feeling guilty, I started immediately asking God for help during the rest of the meeting by praying silently. My gut, which is my God voice, had already given me the answer. I knew what I'd done was not OK because of those guilty feelings. Yet a loud voice, my disease, was justifying my actions and telling me I had every right to do what I did. I really wanted to believe the disease, because if I did, I wouldn't have to do anymore work; I wouldn't have to call the person and apologize. However, I couldn't sit with the truth and not do something.
I called a few more people. Luckily, I chose people in recovery and after talking, knew an amend was necessary. Even so, there was a little brat inside of me still fighting! I was still hesitant.
"...our enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong.
The temptation...is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't."
(A.A. 12&12, pg 94)
I talked to my sponsor and decided I needed to do a Statement of Struggle. (This is a specific form of 10-step. It has 12 questions, each applying to their corresponding step.)
A Change In Attitude
My attitude changed after I did the 10-step. I was able to recognize that the behavior I responded to in the meeting was really about my childhood. As I acknowledged this, any refusal to do the amend was gone and I was ready to apologize sincerely (without regrets). The experience validated (again) a saying we have in program, "When you have a problem with someone, It's not about them, it's about you." I am still amazed by what I learn, when I'm willing to do the work!
Norinne M.
2 comments:
I love the statement I heard many years ago and need to remember often... "Look in the mirror not the magnifying glass" and "if you're hysterical it's historical!" I know these words can help me put things in perspective if I let them.
peace
There is another one to add to the group, "If I"m pointing a finger at someone, there are 3 pointing back at me," (which I didn't get until someone showed me with their hand!!) Ultimately, my biggest problem is keeping my mouth shut. If I open it, what I should hear is prayer. Thanks Juliet for your comment.
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