A Body Badly Burned By Food Does Not Recover Overnight

"A body badly burned by alcohol [food] does not often recover overnight nor do

twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling."

A.A. Big Book pg 133

I have had a long history struggling with food.  I started dieting around ten when my mother decided it was time to help me with my weight problem.  I knew on some level I was bigger than my peers, but I wasn't ready to look at the problem  I was angry with my mom because she was "messing with my food."  I thought it was her way to control me, not a way to help me.  So, I sabotaged any effort she made.

You name it, I've tried it.  Any diet that came along, whether it was advertised on the latest magazine, on a T.V. program or something a friend was trying, if it touted a better and faster way to lose weight, I had to try it.  The key word I always looked for was fast.  I never wanted to wait for anything.  It was all about instant gratification.  If I didn't have any weight loss right away, depression set in.  I would quit the diet and then search for the next "quick weight loss" fix.  Depression was my constant companion because there is no quick fix.  The insanity around my actual weight, my need for weight loss and the depression sent me into therapy when I was eighteen.  I was feeling suicidal.

It took many years of this "roller coaster ride" before I found a 12 Step program to help me with my compulsive overeating and food addiction.  When I got abstinent, I thought it was all I had to do...get abstinent and go to meetings.  (I did go through the steps in the beginning.  When finished, I thought I was done.)  I was pretty naive.  The weight came off and I was happy - I thought.  Later on I realized the happiness was only surface deep.

Under the surface, little things were bothering me; the people at work, my husband's ex-wife, my mother, my past and my body.  Before long, the problems became more burdensome.  Concerns at work got worse; my husbands ex-wife became more demanding; my mother was more irritating; childhood issues surfaced and intensified; my mirror suddenly reflected a huge body; my hair wouldn't do what I wanted; my husband didn't love me enough.  On and on and on.

These issues aren't new.  They have been reoccurring in my life like waves on a beach; cyclical, and I find I'm constantly running from them.  They are indicators for me - warning bells.  They tell me where I am with my spiritual program.  The A.A. Big Book says it nicely, "we are not cured of alcoholism [compulsive overeating].  What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."  (A.A. Big Book 4th Ed., pg 85)

I need to work my spiritual program every day.  To do this, I have daily disciplines: 1) I'm abstinent.  This includes writing my food down and calling it in to my sponsor if necessary.  (When I am struggling with my food, I call it in everyday.  I'd like to suggest this for any newcomer, anyone in relapse or anyone who's sponsor feels it is necessary).  2) I pray and meditate in the morning.  This means I am talking to God and then listening to God.  3) I have a question I answer from either the A.A. Big Book or the A.A. 12&12.  4) I read several daily program readers and write on one of them.  5) I try to use all of the program tools everyday (which includes sponsoring).  6) I try to do a daily ten step.  This also includes listing a gratitude (something I'm grateful for in my life), a God moment (something that has occurred or I see during my day that reminds me of God) and a benefit of being abstinent (something I've received or has occurred because I'm abstinent).

Above all, my abstinence is the most important thing in my life.  I realize if I don't have this, I won't have anything else, including my spiritual program.  In a food fog, I am unaware of anything but my next fix.

Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey!  YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Have a peaceful, joyful and abstinent day.

Norinne. M.