While active in my addiction, my life was always about the easier, softer, way. My way was quick and dirty - I hurried to get the job done. Even if it was "half -ssed." I never put any thought into what or why I was doing something (except about having it be the way
I wanted.)
My meals were never planned ahead of time. I decided what to eat before it was time to cook. If there wasn't anything in the house, we went out to eat.
Our finances were the same way. When I wanted something, I went out and bought it. Long term goals and my future were all about
now. The same with my work history. I stayed at a job until I was bored or asked to leave. Then I started looking for another. I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go - I had no goal or ideal job. My concerns were all about making more money so I could buy whatever I wanted, when I wanted it (or paying for the things I had already purchased.)
In my struggle to survive, I used this way of living to push the world away. It's how I coped with life and the things I chose not to look at or deal with.
No disciplines was my coping mechanism.
Are you willing to do what is necessary?
In order for my life to change from the way it used to be, I had to change what and how I was doing it. The 12 Step program has given me this opportunity.
While working concurrently with my sponsor and sponsees, there are several tools incorporated in our daily disciplines: telephone, food plan, writing, meetings, service, literature and anonymity. By using these on a daily basis, not only are we changing ourselves, but the disciplines over time, become habits and these habits become instinctual. When there is a "bump in the road," these habits are what we fall back on intuitively.
I'd like to mention a
warning here;
all of this will require time from your daily schedule.
Do you want to change?
Recovery is all about change and
to change is hard work.
Many times I was scared and wanted to walk away. I wanted to say, "I quit." Change meant doing or saying something even though I wanted to run in the opposite direction. It could mean listening to someone (my sponsor) tell me something I don't want to hear. It may mean keeping my mouth shut when I desperately want to say something. It could be my needing to look at my part in something when I would rather blame the other person.
Are you ready to make a commitment?
Attaining abstinence (sobriety) in a 12 Step program has to be done on your own volition, as does working your steps this way. If you can honestly commit yourself to working this kind of program, I would like to suggest looking for someone who sponsors through the A.A. Big Book. This is the only kind of recovery I've seen last. (It's also the only one that works for us hardcore addicts.)
It works because it has a strong spiritual base (which the A.A. Big Book will give you.) Please notice the word
spiritual, not religious. The 12 Step programs are about working a spiritual program, not a religious one. Please don't confuse the two.
Take a chance
I hope you decide to make an investment in your future by taking a chance on working your program this way. I did and my life has changed dramatically.
Where I was once held hostage by my depression and stuck on the couch, today I no longer am struggling with it.
The numbers on the scale used to control how I felt about my body and what I did with my food. If the numbers were down I decided I could eat. If they were low enough, I felt I looked OK. If the numbers were
up, I would restrict (and my head told me I looked horrible.) At one point, when the numbers were higher than I thought they should be and I couldn't stop the continual weight gain, I had this insane urge to have one of my legs cut off.
Today I accept my body and when looking at myself in the mirror, can say, "I love you." I have no need to restrict anymore because of the numbers on the scale.
My insane thinking is gone. If for some reason there is a change, I talk to God and my sponsor. Then I take whatever action I'm told is necessary (not what the addictive part of my brain tells me.)
I used to feel lonely in a room full of people. It didn't matter who was there or how many I knew. In my loneliness I became more demanding of the people I knew, ultimately pushing them away. I call my friends today
heart friends. We know each other
intimately, like each other and
want to be friends.
There are so many changes in my life today because of the changes in me and my attitudes...too many to list.
"If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any
length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps."
A.A. Big Book, pg 58
Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!
Norinne M.
