A Body Badly Burned By Food Does Not Recover Overnight

"A body badly burned by alcohol [food] does not often recover overnight nor do

twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling."

A.A. Big Book pg 133

I have had a long history struggling with food.  I started dieting around ten when my mother decided it was time to help me with my weight problem.  I knew on some level I was bigger than my peers, but I wasn't ready to look at the problem  I was angry with my mom because she was "messing with my food."  I thought it was her way to control me, not a way to help me.  So, I sabotaged any effort she made.

You name it, I've tried it.  Any diet that came along, whether it was advertised on the latest magazine, on a T.V. program or something a friend was trying, if it touted a better and faster way to lose weight, I had to try it.  The key word I always looked for was fast.  I never wanted to wait for anything.  It was all about instant gratification.  If I didn't have any weight loss right away, depression set in.  I would quit the diet and then search for the next "quick weight loss" fix.  Depression was my constant companion because there is no quick fix.  The insanity around my actual weight, my need for weight loss and the depression sent me into therapy when I was eighteen.  I was feeling suicidal.

It took many years of this "roller coaster ride" before I found a 12 Step program to help me with my compulsive overeating and food addiction.  When I got abstinent, I thought it was all I had to do...get abstinent and go to meetings.  (I did go through the steps in the beginning.  When finished, I thought I was done.)  I was pretty naive.  The weight came off and I was happy - I thought.  Later on I realized the happiness was only surface deep.

Under the surface, little things were bothering me; the people at work, my husband's ex-wife, my mother, my past and my body.  Before long, the problems became more burdensome.  Concerns at work got worse; my husbands ex-wife became more demanding; my mother was more irritating; childhood issues surfaced and intensified; my mirror suddenly reflected a huge body; my hair wouldn't do what I wanted; my husband didn't love me enough.  On and on and on.

These issues aren't new.  They have been reoccurring in my life like waves on a beach; cyclical, and I find I'm constantly running from them.  They are indicators for me - warning bells.  They tell me where I am with my spiritual program.  The A.A. Big Book says it nicely, "we are not cured of alcoholism [compulsive overeating].  What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."  (A.A. Big Book 4th Ed., pg 85)

I need to work my spiritual program every day.  To do this, I have daily disciplines: 1) I'm abstinent.  This includes writing my food down and calling it in to my sponsor if necessary.  (When I am struggling with my food, I call it in everyday.  I'd like to suggest this for any newcomer, anyone in relapse or anyone who's sponsor feels it is necessary).  2) I pray and meditate in the morning.  This means I am talking to God and then listening to God.  3) I have a question I answer from either the A.A. Big Book or the A.A. 12&12.  4) I read several daily program readers and write on one of them.  5) I try to use all of the program tools everyday (which includes sponsoring).  6) I try to do a daily ten step.  This also includes listing a gratitude (something I'm grateful for in my life), a God moment (something that has occurred or I see during my day that reminds me of God) and a benefit of being abstinent (something I've received or has occurred because I'm abstinent).

Above all, my abstinence is the most important thing in my life.  I realize if I don't have this, I won't have anything else, including my spiritual program.  In a food fog, I am unaware of anything but my next fix.

Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey!  YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Have a peaceful, joyful and abstinent day.

Norinne. M.

A Special Letter

Yesterday I received a God Letter.  I wrote it some months prior, while attending a Spiritual workshop.  If you don't know what a God Letter is, I'll explain.

The exercise started with writing a letter to God.  We were given a fancy sheet of stationary and told we could write whatever we wanted in the letter.  (I think we had about 20 - 30 minutes to do it.)  Some of the participants stayed in the room, some went outside, some went to a secluded spot within the building.  I went to a quiet corner.  (When we were done, the facilitator took the letters and told us she would be mailing them to us in the future, but randomly.)

I was really surprised when the letter came.  I wanted to savor the feelings when I read it, so decided to put it off for a couple of days.  But I wanted to make sure I saw it - I wanted it in my consciousness.  I likened it to looking at a wrapped present from God and wondering what was in that present each time I glanced at it.  So I stuck it in my daily journal; every time I wrote down my food in the morning and referred to it during the day, I would see it.  (I do this quite often.  When I get a package in the mail, I frequently do the same thing!)   Ultimately, when I read it, I was amazed because I didn't remember writing any of it.  The other surprising thing is it fit with what was going on in my life right then.

This isn't the first time I've done a God Letter.  Yet, each time I receive one, I am astonished.  For me the letter is an expression of, and a way to denote, the power of the 12 Step programs and Gods love. I never would have dreamed I could have been open to writing this kind of letter. 

I came into program mad at God.  I didn't want anything to do with a spiritual program, let alone God.  When I heard people talking about God, I immediately thought, "Oh no, not one of those programs."  I walked out and didn't plan on returning.  It was hearing other people talking about the crazy things I was doing with food that helped me to return.

The God Letter symbolizes some of the emotional and spiritual recovery I've received from working the steps.  I can see how far I have come when I recognize the gratitude I feel while reading it.  I see the growth in the depth of my feelings I felt.  As I read it, tears were running down my cheeks.  This was never an option I allowed myself in my past.  I tried as hard as I could to stuff my feelings with food.  I always felt I would die if they went on too long.  Today I have something greater than myself, who I can turn to with all of my problems.  In my past, I felt so alone.  I had a big black hole inside of me that was all consuming.  Today I have God inside of me and I feel love.  I don't feel alone anymore.  I feel whole.

I'd like to share a couple of quotes from my God Letter.  It said, "joy will come" and "come together."  I'm going to apply these phrases to this blog.  We can share with each other and "joy will come."  We can also "come together" using the blog and strengthen our friendships or gain new ones.

I hope that you will continue to join me on this incredibly exciting journey!  YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.