"Don't talk about it."
Why?
"Because it will go away."
What is it we say to ourselves when something bad happens?
"I knew this would happen; things aren't ever going to change; why do I even try?" (Or something similar to this.)
Does this sound familiar? It was the message that played in my head for years. I was afraid to share anything positive (and sometimes negative) happening in my life.
The first reason that comes to mind is my fear of having anything positive taken away. Underneath that was my feeling of being unworthy. I grew up feeling not good enough. So, no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. If I excelled at work, there was always more I could do. I set my sites on something I wanted and when I reached it, I wanted more. So I'd reach higher. It was always to prove myself to someone.
In my sewing projects, it didn't matter what I made. I wasn't happy with the results. I would strive for more complicated projects. An example is my wedding. My dress wasn't enough. I had to make my bridesmaids dress. I also had to plan the wedding on my own. I wouldn't accept help from my Mom. I continued to push myself.
In my friendships, I had to make sure everyone liked me. I said what was expected of me and did what everyone else wanted to do. There was no "rocking the boat." If anyone asked what my opinion was, I deferred to another person. I made sure the attention was not on me (yet I still craved it). I also expected everyone to read my mind and couldn't understand when I didn't get what I wanted or was left behind.
When I failed, what I felt inside was complete character assassination. (I do not take my failures lightly). It was all internal - I tried not to show it outwardly. Each time I'd lose a piece of me - a small part would fade away. When I was in my addiction, I ate. I would push myself to work harder, try to find where I overlooked whatever (caused the problem) and then fix it. I'd then have to push myself even harder to achieve the goal. If another failure occurred, I'd be falling apart inside (still), eating outwardly, and continuing to push myself; ultimately taking me longer and longer to do the job. Eventually the food wore me down and finely, took the job away. (Control is what held me together and ultimately what brought me down). I had a very hard time admitting failure; it meant I had to admit there was a flaw within me somewhere. (This required too much vulnerability and vulnerability equals pain).
Underneath all of this constant pushing and striving was a need to judge myself based on others responses (what I read on their faces - their expressions). I was constantly watching; my husband - does he love me and how much? How are my bosses responding to my work? Are they happy with it? My friends: am I saying and doing the right things around them? Have I stepped on anyone's toes lately? Are there enough friends or am I feeling lonely? Do I want to be my children's friend or their parent? Am I taking care of myself at my job or am I killing myself to prove my worth? My response was always based on others reactions.
If I take this even further, I have to look at my feelings. What are they? I could say fear, but fear is an easy out - but going deeper is too scary. Most of these questions are from my past but can also be relevant today. Sometimes they can be triggered by a look on someones face (from those around me).
Do I feel OK with who I am today or do I have this constant churning in my gut? Do I feel at ease or dis-ease? If I see any of my old behaviors, or the old dis-ease? I need to stop and look at what's going on in my life. Then I need to ask myself several questions (not necessarily in this order) and take action.
- What am I not doing with my program (and need to change)?
- Am I abstinent or has something changed with my food?
- Do I like how I'm feeling right now (or do I need it to change)? Do I want it to change?
- Am I at risk of losing my spiritual and/or physical program? (I need to get a realistic answer - this means sharing with someone in recovery and asking for their feedback).
- I need to call my sponsor and talk to her about what's going on with me.
- Pray and meditate - I need to ask God (HP) for help.
- Attend meetings (more than I already am) and share (possibly as a topic).
- Pick some topics in the back of my daily readers - read and then journal on them.
- Write, write, write. Get whatever is going on in my head, out. I need to take the power away. The way to do this is by writing about it. Ultimately, I may need to do a Statement of Struggle (10-Step).
- Call someone in program I trust (besides my sponsor) and share.
- Repeat as necessary.
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